When one of the partners in a divorce is a narcissist, the situation can become particularly damaging—especially for the children involved. Narcissists are known for their need for control, validation and admiration.
During a divorce, this need intensifies, and children can become pawns in a larger strategy of manipulation. But why exactly do narcissists fight so hard to get the kids on their side?
The need for control and validation
Divorce represents a loss of power, which narcissists find intolerable. By aligning the children with them, narcissists can reclaim a sense of dominance. Children, especially young ones, are impressionable and easily influenced, making them ideal targets for emotional manipulation.
Narcissists often rely on external validation to uphold their self-worth. If they can convince the children to see them as the “better parent,” it feeds their ego and provides a sense of victory in the divorce.
Image management and reputation
Narcissists often present a charming, put-together persona to the outside world. Meanwhile, their private behavior can be controlling, critical or emotionally abusive. During a divorce, their public image may be at risk, especially if the other parent begins to speak out about the abuse or dysfunction that occurred behind closed doors.
Gaining the children’s allegiance allows narcissists to spin a narrative: “If I were truly abusive, why would the kids choose to live with me?” This kind of manipulation can be used to discredit the other parent and maintain a favorable image in court proceedings, among extended family and in the broader community.
Understanding why narcissists want the kids on their side during a divorce sheds light on the deeper psychological dynamics at play. It’s not about love or care but about power, ego and control. For co-parents, recognizing these patterns is crucial to highlighting why they should enlist legal support during a divorce.